24 weeks

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Getting pretty big over here. The bump has officially moved me over to maternity clothing only. Originally, I thought I’d be fine just wearing some of my bigger non-maternity shirts throughout the pregnancy but that is definitely not the case. There is a reason maternity clothes exist, they are more comfortable and they are cut specifically for the bowling ball living under your shirt. My growing bump is also making it difficult to bend too far over and putting on shoes is slowly becoming the most annoying part of leaving the apartment. Baby is still super active and strong, moving around constantly and morphing my belly into all sorts of funny shapes. I can feel his kicks as high as about an inch above my belly button. And speaking of belly button, mine is close to being completely flat with my belly and its so interesting to see and touch the fresh skin that has never been so exposed before.

On the non-physical side of things, I seem to be an emotional wreck recently. In the early stages of pregnancy I read about the roller coster of emotions that women go through but for me that was never the case. I was perfectly even-keeled but these days I seem to be going through what I missed out on in those first few months. In the last couple of weeks, I’ve cried harder than I’ve cried since I was 11 years old finding out my parents were getting a divorce. I’m having straight up melt downs with uncontrollable crying that last for a good 10-15 minutes. The kind of crying that turns my face red and blotchy and leaves me trying to catch my breath. Granted I’m crying over things that are pretty legit but I don’t think I’d be responding in such a way if I wasn’t pregnant. I know I could handle the stress of a difficult apartment closing that leaves me worrying if we will lose our deposit and have no place to live other than our tiny studio apartment when the baby comes, without excessive sobbing if I wasn’t pregnant. I certainly would have bounced back much quicker after learning that I had to cancel a party for 100 people I’d been planning for months and spent a good amount of money and creativity on. And I’ve dealt with drama with my in-laws many times over the years without a melt down. But I guess everything just seems BIGGER, much bigger, beyond serious and real in a way I’ve never experienced before. Every time something goes wrong, I think about how its not just going wrong for me but for this little baby growing inside me as well. I can’t bring him into a perfect world and I know even if I could, a perfect world would make him incredibly boring and unmotivated but there is that part of me that wishes I could keep him from any sadness. Maybe that’s why it seems so big because I’m trying to take on not only my own feelings but his as well, maybe if I take it all on he won’t have to worry. Or maybe its just that I feel more deeply because I see the world in a new way, this little guy has given me a third eye, a beyond ordinary perception only known to mothers. And then again maybe its just the hormones.

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